I am writing to complain about the EazyKid Kit sold by your company at 49.99 sol-credits on Earth. Despite its high price and its promise of a fail-safe pregnancy, it does not deliver and I am very disappointed.
Let me run through the facts: the kit is advertised as the best option for middle-aged women (60-120yrs) that want to conceive. I am a healthy and fit 82 years old, my hormonal levels are in the normal range for my age and I have already successfully completed 3+ previous pregnancies, although I used kits from different brands. I bought the EazyKid Kit in your flagship Earth shop, checked that the seal was intact and brought it home. After using it according to the instructions, I waited the prescribed 5 days and then completed the pregnancy test, which turned out negative. I was obviously very upset, as nobody likes wasting money on ineffective treatments, but I decided to try another time with a brand-new kit. Same result.
I am now in a tight spot as I really need to conceive within the next few weeks, a month at most, or I will lose the chance to stand for membership in my local club, which only accepts female members with 4+ pregnancies. There is obviously nothing wrong with me, as my latest pregnancy before this botched attempt was less than 2 sol-years ago. I am severely disappointed that two different EazyKid Kits did not work. In addition to a full refund, I am also looking for your help in resolving this matter quickly.
Many thanks and kind regards,
We are truly sorry to hear that you had a bad experience using our EazyKid kit. We can guarantee you that, so far, we had no complaints regarding our product — yours is the first one we have received. We want to get to the heart of the matter and ensure you the high quality you deserve. We can start processing the refund immediately once you send us the original receipts. As to how to solve the issue, we would like to invite you to our headquarters for a full medical checkup (at our expense of course). Then, should everything be in order, we would like to invite you to re-try using the enhanced version of the EazyKid kit. This proprietary version has been developed by us and is fully cleared for commercialisation by the relevant health authorities. However, it is not sold in shops as its administration requires expert personnel. It is more than 5X more effective than the standard EazyKit you purchased and I am confident it will solve your issue quickly. Should that process also be ineffective, there is yet another option that is guaranteed to be 100% effective, but is not something we routinely advise to our customers. We have found that many react negatively, even though the treatment itself is perfectly safe, quick and legal. Please let us know how you want to proceed and do not forget to send us the original receipts for processing.
Hoping to hear from you soon
Dear Mr XXX
Thanks for your quick reply. The original receipts are attached to this holo-mail. I can stop at your headquarters in the next Sol-week as I am not visiting the southern continent, where you are based, before that. The commuting time from my location is quite long. I am sure that my medical will not find anything, but I am not confident that your “enhanced” kit is enough to solve the issue. What is the other approach that you mentioned? Is it what is currently known as “the manned option”, or the natural way of conceiving that went out of fashion in the beginning of the 22nd century? I do not like the idea, but if it has a 100% chance of success I am willing to try. My time to apply for club membership is running out.
Thanks for coming back to us so quickly. We can certainly arrange for any examination and treatment for you in any day of the next sol-week. The other option I mentioned is in fact the “manned option”. Our own internal research shows that the manned option, albeit upsetting to many, is extremely effective. The operation is quick and painless, and would be performed using our own certified donor. On your preferred day , we will have both the enhanced EazyKit and the manned version ready for you to choose post-medical (medical results should not take longer than one Sol-hour). This way, you can decide which treatment you would prefer on the day. Please let us know when you prefer to come to our headquarters and I will organise everything.
After a while:
Dear Store manager,
This is just a quick note to let you know that the pregnancy is progressing well. I am really pleased I used the manned option. It was certainly somewhat more intense than using a kit but not disagreeable at all. Indeed, I quite liked it! I will suggest it to my friends at the club as well.
Thanks for your very professional help on this matter.
Feature image via Los Angeles County Museum of Art collections